This past weekend was good to me. I did tons of relaxing and had some time to myself that I don’t normally allow. Of course I was thinking about photography and how I’ve been in a slump for the past couple of weeks. As I continue to write everyday I had time to contemplate the things I’ve been working on and what I’m doing in the maze of fluffy reasoning. Then it hit me right as I was wrapping up my writing in the morning on Friday morning.

The conclusion that I came up with and something that I didn’t know that I truly had to do was to push myself. Not in the sense of just doing more for my life and what I want to do, but more on the level of who I am now. If you were to ask other people about me they would say that I’m extremely ambitions and goes for what I want. Yeah, that is true and the way I look at it I am. I wake up every morning and figure out what I want to do in my life. I do most of that stuff and try to live a normal life with with family, friends and my fiance. I may be upset from time to time if I don’t get the things that I want to get done or that I didn’t get this client because I wasn’t patient enough or whatever the case that I was feeling for the day.

Realizing That The Current Me Isn’t Good Enough to Get Me to Where I Want to Be…

That was fine for me up until last Friday, but not no more now. That type of living isn’t possible now. One, myself won’t allow it anymore. I just can’t go through the motions of what I want to do for my life and the status quo. That little bit of information shocked the hell out of me. As I go on my own and the amount of success that I want to have, it isn’t possible at all to get to the promise land with the way I am right now. The sad truth of the matter is that I can give half of the effort from what I’m doing away from work at work and live an extremely predicable and perhaps happy life, you know, it’s whatever I make life for me. Again, this isn’t a rant at all about that, it is a realization that has hit me hard in the head all at once.

What Do I Have to Do to Change?

So, I can’t continue to do the things that I am doing in order to make the life that I want for my family sustainable. The simple way of finding a solution to my concern is to do more and be more focused. But that doesn’t solve anything. The thing that matters the most is for me to have a system of operation, determine what is ultimately success to me and what exactly I have to do in order to get there. I have to change more. I need to be more productive with my time. I have to be as efficient as possible and figure out the way I operate. I have to do a whole bunch of re-finding myself and discovering a self that I didn’t know that I had because I thought the current system of me was good enough to do the things that I want to do.

I Was in This Position Before

The thing of it all was the truth that I was coming to grips with myself is that what I’m doing isn’t good enough. I have to continue to push and push into the land of the unknown. When I think about that I become scared as shit. I don’t know what that is going to take of me. However, then I think about the transformation that I made a couple of years ago. I was resistant. I wanted to continue to live the life that I already knew of. But something was inside me that I had to do better and figure out what I wanted out of life. I knew that I must understand that who I was at the time wasn’t good enough in my eyes. I knew that as long as I continue to do things that pushed me and helped me to see a new self in me would only become natural with time. And that was what happened. And now I’m back at this place where I have to do it again.

Again. I ask myself, “How the fuck do I do it?” I don’t know the answer to that and just reading books on the subject will only delay the start that I must make. I must take the time to make the plan of attack materialize in my life. I must stay and be ready for those things. Man, I have alot of work to do.