My Personal Thoughts to the World

This is more of a get-in-Oke’s head-kind-of post. I’ve written this a couple of days ago and felt a need to let people in my head’s world of what I go through when I journal about myself. I usually write for an hour each and everyday and at times get inspiration from somewhere and write whenever during the day. This is one of those post. The journal entry explains everything that I felt and still feel now. I was able to write nearly 1400 words in 34 minutes–enjoy!

I just don’t know what is up right now. I’m happy, I am doing the things that I want to do, but am constantly thinking that I’m doing too much. I already don’t get much sleep: just over 4-5-6 hours of sleep during the work week. I know that is shitty and now I’m trying to get up even earlier. One thing that is keeping me going and ahead of doing the things that I’m doing is the writing for an hour everyday. It is magical what I can get accomplish when there isn’t anybody around me and I can devote the time to myself, craft and whatever project I want to work on.

Last week I worked on my schedule. I split it up into 3 categories: writing, photography and photojournalist. I mapped out my to-do list for everything, ordered it of importance and put everything on my calendar for the month. I’m going to be a very busy mofo and I know that there is still something not right about it. I’ve been talking to myself about this for awhile and know that I’m setting myself up for overkill and might result in me burning out very soon. What is it that I have to cut? What do I have to get rid of for me to operate at a more normal level than what I’m used to?

It could be the passion stuff. Right now I’m devoting quite a bit of time to reading about photography, not actually doing it. I take my camera everywhere, but it still doesn’t get used. I think I have another 30 page pdf to read and I will be alright. But what will happen after that? I think the thing that I need to start doing is what I used to do. One of the pdf’s that I’m currently reading is talking about that very thing. I can’t even take a decent photo right now, everything to me seems like shit. I’m starting to notice things around me and what a good picture would look like, I’m just stuck and know that I need to stop something, I need to isolate something.

Okay. Writing is going well. I’m writing like nobody else. I wish I had this much energy to write in my novel. The main reason is because I am rewriting and have a brain fart. That isn’t a good excuse. I need to just sit down and write. That is what I’m learning about all of the interviews I’m writing. I spend 2-3 hours preparing for the essay, but once I sit there I just write and hardly look at my notes. I don’t know how I will begin the essay, but something just comes out. I think the planning is indeed helping me, but I am ultimately just sitting down in my writing chair and writing. I’ve been thinking of the novel lately. Mainly because I haven’t written shit yet. But by me listening to other people and getting information from all corners I’m noticing that I am in a state that I have to cut a lot of the story, let the reader play their role of reading and the story will be understood accordingly. I shouldn’t preach anything at all and that is what I’m thinking. But, I’m still at the end of the month have to be able to write the first chapter. I’ll give it more thought soon.

The thing that I am thinking that I am doing too much of is listening from other people. The main way I do so is reading plenty of blogs and listening to podcast constantly. Last year I had about 5-10 podcast and about the same amount of blogs. My shift has turned to photography, but those people have just as much things to talk about as writers. All what I’m reading is good, but there comes a time that I need to find my own way of doing things. I have to be smart and do things the way I know that will help benefit me. I need to start cutting the podcast and I need to think about this. Also the blogs. Well, lets say that I cut 2-3 of each. I will still listen to them and will constantly feel that I’m on the move and won’t be allowing myself enough time to myself. I think I need to set times to look at all of this. I need to go back to that system. I have to treat myself that way because I can easily spend the whole day wrapped around myself and occupying my abilities to perform at my best when I want to. I’ve already got gmail on wraps. The only thing I need to do there is to modify the folders. But I also need to do the same with mac mail. I need to limit the amount of time that I am on there. I’m going to go for twice a week for mac mail and once for gmail, this is for work. Over the weekend I need to limit the amount of usage, too. Once a day is good enough. I will stop using it on my phone and just get the things that I need to get done. On the podcast I will monitor that as I need be. If I don’t want to listen to anything than I won’t. If I need to get something done than I won’t listen to the podcast. And if I do want to listen to the podcast I will think twice about it and think of other things I can do to better myself. I think those things are great. They are a start and something that I will have to constantly monitor myself.

I think me getting this business afloat is going to help me get to where I want to be. Also me focusing on work more now is going to help me in the long run and establish me as a person with skills that will guide me through life. Just like Rick said during his interview, what he is doing at work is only helping him in life. I admire that. That is the main thing that I take from his interview.

What I’m learning about my new schedule is that I just have to do the things that are on that day. I can’t simply move it over to the next day. I have to stick with it. I know I give myself enough time to do things–even though I’m compulsive when it comes to getting too many things done all at once.

I think I’m going to stop asking for help from photographers or people in general. It is like I’m writing in the wind to them. If I do get something back it is usually some bullshit that I already know about. The only way that I wouldn’t know about it is if I was sleeping under a rock. Fuck it, I’ve got to do me and continue to go through this world with my own ambitions and understanding. Besides, this year has been truly amazing with the way I’m learning everything about photography. Now I need to apply all of the reading and go with my creative side of letting the images and process come to me. That is the best way that I learn anyway. I just have to put the damn books down and stop thinking about it and just do. I am looking forward to my project at the end of the month. I’ll get the cd later this month.

This is a good start to everything. I know there might be something else that I’m forgetting, but I will work on this stuff right now and will see how I do with everything. All I won’t is for my head to have some time where it doesn’t think about anything. I’m realizing that everything in my body needs rest and mundaneness to operate at high capacity.

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