Lost. Yep, I’m Back There.

I took this photograph while on lunch sometime this year or last year. I love how simple it is but the lines and texture just do it for me. The black and white transformation is what woke it up for me. It is funny that no color gives something more emotion. I just recently printed this photograph out for my brother who thought it would be nice for his apartment. Lol, walking around and finding something interesting about a place has helped me to make a couple of bucks. I have to keep going out there. I have to do more.

Life is extremely difficult when you are going against the grain. My present state of feeling is tired and worn out. I guess those things are the same thing. But it is like they are both beating the shit out of me, tag-teaming. I woke up this morning not wanting to get up and knew I was tired because both sides of my pillow were cold with during-the-night sweat. I keep telling myself that I need to do more, that I need to understand what I’m doing. When I look back and think about what I was actually trying to say I don’t even know what the hell I was talking about.

The truth in going into this direction that I have talked about for some time now and have probably bored the shit out of my small audience is that it trains and drains on you. It trains you to feel that you can do anything you want to as long as you are the one doing the majority of the work. It drains you because you are doing every damn thing and can’t think about anything us but your shit. I feel trapped inside from time to time and know that it should get better. But I don’t know. I don’t know if I have enough steam to keep going.

It is amazing to be alone with your thoughts when you are surrounded by many people around you. I am in that state of thinking about what I need to get done, what I can work on next and if what I’m doing is even going to actually happen. The what if’s keep me going. The unknown scares the shit out of me. At times I feel that having all the direction is what I need, then it just overwhelms me to the point of not doing anything at all.

What I’m saying with all of this is that I just don’t know and as lost about my future as I have ever been in my life. The thing that is keeping me going is wanting to do my own thing when I want to. I guess that is called freedom. The thing also that is going to be difficult is pacing myself and to knowing that I may be one step closer to doing what I’ve been talking about for the longest. But I always feel that I’m never going to grab that carrot that is playing mind games in front of my face.

So, when I get there, which should be soon, I’m going to try to get the mundane and meaningless work complete as best I could. And I’m going to be thinking about so many things that I just can’t stop thinking about. I’m going to make my oatmeal and eat as much as I can in my cubicle and wonder what I’m going to do later in the day. That is what my day is going to be. Being there, but mostly in my head. Just typing this I feel trapped already. Trapped in my thoughts, the future and high fucken expectations that I have for myself. Yep. That’s the status quo of my life. That’s important to me.

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