I was talking to a friend a couple of days ago about what I feared the most right now. It took me some time to think of that very thing, but when I thought about it it was clear to me that I needed to understand what I was saying and how that could actually happen. I feel that if I know how it can possibly happen, then I would be able to know the trigger signs and prevent against it. Or something like that.
The Fear that Scares the Shit Out of Me
Passion is a tricky thing. If you are to focused with it it can drive the people around you crazy. If you don’t do much with it from time to time, you will not lose focus, you will likely hate yourself for not doing enough of it. But when you mix money into the equation, everything changes. In business, money is the life blood. That isn’t a secret to anybody at all. You loving something doesn’t put food on the table. It just doesn’t. I can love something so so much and be passionate about it and if there isn’t any money coming through the door then I’m fucked.
The thing that I fear the most as I begin to take this stuff even more seriously, is not succeeding on the business side and still having the thoughts in my head of doing well in a past career I didn’t like. When it comes down to making money in photography, it has more to deal with my personality and the way I treat people than if I can take a good photo or not. Well, that isn’t all true. Taking a good photograph is something that is key for people to notice you and to trust that you can do what you can do, but most of what I do is on me, as a person, rather than just thinking it is from me pushing a button.
With All that Said, What Does This Really Mean?
I’m slow to start because I’m scared to fail. That is the bottom line. I can read a book and be determined and feel that I don’t know enough about this industry and feel that before I get out there I need to do more reading (stalling) in order to get to the place I need to. It is like I’m chasing that never ending carrot and now as I sat thinking about this yesterday it drove me crazy.
Deep down inside, I know that I’m ready. I know what I can do and know that it is some good stuff. That is the thing that I have on my side, the passion. I have noticed that if there is something I don’t know, I study and learn my ass off. That should be enough information I need in order to make it in this world. Yes, as I sit here writing this, I never told myself that I’m ready. Other people have said that I’m good and I should be charging, but I’ve never told myself that I’m ready.
The only way I’m going to leave my job is by me finding my own work. I don’t know nothing right now because I’m reading and constantly reading and so on. That has to stop now. I have to continue to fail and feel like shit and learn and get better in photography and in business. That is the game I must play. Besides, even though I think I know all the rules of the game, I don’t. The only way that can happen and me becoming a better player is by getting off of that damn bench and getting in the game and figuring it out from there. Then I will understand what I can’t and can do with the skills that I have and begin to tune my abilities to be the best damn player I can. That is the game plan.