So, What About Last Month? Don’t Know, I Don’t Even Care…

I don’t know where to start. At the beginning of this month I was ready to talk about my challenge for August. How hard and frustrating it was. How I didn’t want to go out to do work that I loosely had interest in. How I was freaking out that the photograph that I was getting wasn’t coming out the way I wanted and how I just wanted to be balled up on the couch not even thinking of photography. The shit was hard. I was angry and confused on the direction of everything. What I really wanted from all of this was money to say that I was doing what I truly wanted to do with my photography and that I was getting paid for it.

I know that I can show you my favorite photographs from it all, but I just don’t want to. I don’t think that will tell you exactly how I feel about everything. I don’t even feel like writing in this blog anymore. It is easier for me to just do the things that I’m currently doing and share whatever is on my mind in my journal or to the people I see on a regular basis. I’m starting to feel that there isn’t a benefit in writing for others.

I don’t know if by me wanting this so bad has made me see things so differently or that being in business for yourself can make you cold and mature to what reality can do to a person. I just don’t know where all of this is coming from, but again, that is the way I feel and at times express myself.

So, What Now?

I don’t know. I don’t know what it is that I want to do now. I know that I will feel better if some money would come my way and that I’m doing the right thing. I think that is what passion drives you to do. It just takes over. Once you go too deep it can drive you to places you didn’t know existed or didn’t know that you were made to do.

So, I Gave it A Day To Think It Over

I wrote the part up top yesterday morning. I thought by me giving it some more thought and now that my thoughts have had a chance to think about what I wrote was in fact what I wanted to say. And it still is. Blogging now is becoming a chore. I know I know. How the hell can blogging become a chore, especially since I only write once a month now? Well, because now that I think of things to write I give it a couple of days, even weeks to see if it is something I want to share. When that time goes by I stop thinking what I wanted to write about. Then I just continue on with my life and allow the thinking and to take over in other forms.

I just don’t know what else to say. I feel that I’ve said all that I can about this issue. My fiance told me that I should turn the blog into something that is all about my photography. I’m still thinking that over.

6 responses to “So, What About Last Month? Don’t Know, I Don’t Even Care…”

  1. Oke,

    I started following your blog recently (I found the link through Lighting Essentials blog I believe). And wanted to let you know that I believe that there is always a benefit of writing for others, because you never know who’s reading out there, and who your stories/thoughts/opinions might affect. I, like you am trying to follow and realize my dream of being a photographer. I see alot of similarites in our stories; we’re both trying to transition from current office jobs, our birthdays are days from each other (mine’s the 23rd), and I’m in Texas as well (outside of Dallas). Hope you decide to keep blogging, also loved reading about your Japan trip, I hope to make it over there one day as well.

    Take care,

  2. Laidric,

    Thanks for the words. Because of you I am continuing to do the updates on this blog. Mainly about my progress in the photography industry. I am going to add some more stuff too and glad that somebody is getting some benefit about what I’m writing, even though at times it seems I’m ranting and complaining about things not going my way.

    It’s weird that you and I are going through the same things. We get happiness and comfort from something that is so simple. It’s hard to explain, but it just takes over. I don’t think people will totally understand how this thing called photography is a fucked up drug that always gives you a high and always wanting more.

    I saw that you are reading Richard’s book about the business of photography. I got the same feeling that I’m a long way from making photography a full time gig, but I rather struggle and learn and break free than to think about and wonder if I’m making the right decision in an office job that is just something to help pay the bills. If you want another business book to read read, The Real Business of Photography by Richard Weisgrau. It lines everything up for you and gives you a great structure. I’m currently a third of the way through it.

    I’m really looking forward to this new approach to this blog and feel that it will still help the people. It’s going to be more organic, lol, as organic as I can make it.

    I’ll stay in touch with you and your path through making your dream a reality. We can do it and will do it. There is no other way to live our lives by doing what we love.


  3. Oke,

    Glad to see that you’ve decided to stick with the blog, and I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with your upcoming updates! Yes, Harrington’s book is informative, but it’s more for someone who has been in business for a couple of years (like maybe 3-5), it’s good information for when you’re at that point in your career, but it’s definitely not a book for someone starting out a business. I checked out the book that you recommended, I’ll definitely be picking that up. Thanks for stopping by my blog as well, I have a lot of work that I have to do on it, but most of the time I’m out shooting so much! I agree, there is no other way to live other than doing something that we love.


  4. Film is something that scares the shit out of me. I picked up a holga to get into it and still have the same exact film in it, its been well over 7 or 8 months. I think once I develop the film I might feel differently about it. I grew up on digital and it’s hard not to get that feedback instantly. I’m slowing down more, but you have no choice but to slow down with film. My cousin-in-law gave me her film cameras to practice on. I already have a light meter, so before the end of the year I’m going to practice some more.

    Even with all the struggles right now, there is still nothing else I want to do more of with my life. I love writing, but photography is a different thing. It just takes over and is extremely jealous when time is being taken away.

    We will keep in touch!

    P.S. The book that I recommended you is just so awesome. I’m glad I picked it up. I’m starting to take the business side seriously and to turn down work that isn’t worth me doing. I’ll get more satisfaction from doing my own projects. Defiantly pickup the book and we will bounce ideas off of each other.

  5. That’s understandable, most of the fear of film has to do with exposure, which the immediate feedback of the LCD assures you that your in the ballpark before you get down to work. I started getting serious about my photography in the early 90’s when I was in high school, so I grew up with film. It’s different, but it’s the same you know? All the same principals of exposure and compostion apply to both. And with the new films that are the market today (especially Kodak’s line of New Portra films), the exposure latitude is so forgiving that you can be off a couple of stops (either over or under) and still get good images, and it’s made to be scanned (even though I don’t have a scanner yet….). But, I’m not a digital hater, I have a D700, and I probably wouldn’t be the photographer today, especially in the area of off camera flash, if I hadn’t bought my first DSLR (Nikon D1x) back in 2007. But the old metal cameras of yesterday are comforting and familiar, as is the smell of a fresh roll of film!

    Yes, definitely, I’d like to have someone to bounce ideas off of, I’ll let you know when I get that book!

  6. I’m for sure going to give film another shot. I just have to get that first roll of film developed from my holga!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *