I don’t know where to start. At the beginning of this month I was ready to talk about my challenge for August. How hard and frustrating it was. How I didn’t want to go out to do work that I loosely had interest in. How I was freaking out that the photograph that I was getting wasn’t coming out the way I wanted and how I just wanted to be balled up on the couch not even thinking of photography. The shit was hard. I was angry and confused on the direction of everything. What I really wanted from all of this was money to say that I was doing what I truly wanted to do with my photography and that I was getting paid for it.
I know that I can show you my favorite photographs from it all, but I just don’t want to. I don’t think that will tell you exactly how I feel about everything. I don’t even feel like writing in this blog anymore. It is easier for me to just do the things that I’m currently doing and share whatever is on my mind in my journal or to the people I see on a regular basis. I’m starting to feel that there isn’t a benefit in writing for others.
I don’t know if by me wanting this so bad has made me see things so differently or that being in business for yourself can make you cold and mature to what reality can do to a person. I just don’t know where all of this is coming from, but again, that is the way I feel and at times express myself.
So, What Now?
I don’t know. I don’t know what it is that I want to do now. I know that I will feel better if some money would come my way and that I’m doing the right thing. I think that is what passion drives you to do. It just takes over. Once you go too deep it can drive you to places you didn’t know existed or didn’t know that you were made to do.
So, I Gave it A Day To Think It Over
I wrote the part up top yesterday morning. I thought by me giving it some more thought and now that my thoughts have had a chance to think about what I wrote was in fact what I wanted to say. And it still is. Blogging now is becoming a chore. I know I know. How the hell can blogging become a chore, especially since I only write once a month now? Well, because now that I think of things to write I give it a couple of days, even weeks to see if it is something I want to share. When that time goes by I stop thinking what I wanted to write about. Then I just continue on with my life and allow the thinking and to take over in other forms.
I just don’t know what else to say. I feel that I’ve said all that I can about this issue. My fiance told me that I should turn the blog into something that is all about my photography. I’m still thinking that over.